Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
