went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
