I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
