after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
