It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
