I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Your cock deserves a montage
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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