In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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