Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
