I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
