During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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