Already got asked if we're dating
I'm going to jail i love you
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
