His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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