if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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