Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
