Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
