I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
