he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
