Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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