based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
