Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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