pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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