Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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