I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
