I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
