i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
