Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
