take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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