Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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