Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
