my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
is that a dick in a sweater?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
