I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
