She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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