Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
