Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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