This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Please, let me fuck your mom
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
