listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
