Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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