Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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