You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
