I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
