but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
