I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
