Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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