you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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