This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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