this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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