If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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