I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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