So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
