Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
